Laundry List of Dating Must Haves Transcript
Preeti (00:00)
Curt and Preeti here from Konvodating.com to talk more about dating mishaps, missteps and misalignments. Hey Curt, I know one of your biggest dating app pet peeves is when people have a laundry list of what the other person must have on their dating profile. Tell us what grinds your gears about coming across a woman's profile who has a list of 20 things that the person must have in order to date her. And what's the healthier way of going about that?
Curt (00:32)
Well, Preeti it's funny you should ask because you know when a guy is going through some of the lists of must haves and must do's the first thing is entitlement right like who is this person I don't even know telling me here's the 20 things you you do this don't talk to me if you do that or don't call me and you need to be this some of the funnier ones say don't even think of taking me out to dinner and taking me away for the weekend you got to step your game up that's not going to be good.
I don't know what's left. guess you got to rent a helicopter or some horses or something. Cause that's all I got. That's my best. That's my fastball. I just gave you my best pitch. the idea that you're transferring, you know, and a lot of people say, I know my worth, which is interesting to a brand new person saying, this is what I expect. This is what I quote want or demand. If you'd like to take me out, a much better way is John F Kennedy once said in the dating world, I'll paraphrase, Ask not what you can do for your dating profile, but what can you do for the other person's dating profile? you know, reciprocity is a thing where we all have to work on ourselves and complete ourselves. There's no one out there to complete us. So you shouldn't put your demands that this is what's going to make you happier. This is what's going to lead you to a good date and say, what do you bring to the other person who's looking at you? What do you bring to his life? If it's a female looking at a male heterosexual or what can you be, what kind of pieces can you bring to the table, not what do you demand, what do you take off the table? So I don't know if it's the same on the female side. If you see a man's profile with his list of, well, I haven't looked at any men's profile, but you tell me, is it the same on the female side?
Preeti (01:59)
Yeah, it's definitely, I think we all fall into thinking that what we're projecting is confidence and self -worth. But actually what's happened is that we're projecting a really aggressive list of things to a complete stranger. And it almost feels accusatory when you see that, right? Because you're looking to see whether or not you measure up in this person who doesn't know you, has never met you, and maybe hasn't even swiped on you yet. right? You know nothing about how they're going to react to you. And the first thing is, I'm not good enough. That's the feeling that that evokes. I don't know if I'm good enough or possibly I'm way too good for this person. Who does he or she think they are? Right? But leading in this aggressive way, is off putting and that's one thing. But the other thing, I think you're completely right in that when we're talking about actual self -worth and self -confidence? Is it really this laundry list of things that we think are good about ourselves? I mean, are we first of all holding ourselves up to the same standards? Do we bring those things to the table as well? That's a really important question to answer. But also, are we reducing our worth to our jobs, our hobbies, our ability to
navigate certain more materialistic things in the world. what is self -worth in this context? it says a lot about a person who wants to be wined and dined and who thinks that the kind of date that they go on and the amount of money that is spent on them somehow is tied to whether or not they're being treated well. We're missing the point.
it's not hard for somebody with some money to throw money around and make you feel like you're worthy of it. But is that person actually putting in the time to get to know you? Are they being a good friend to you? Do they care about you? Do they care about your well -being? Do they think about you? Do they want to bring things to your life that makes your life happier and better? Do they want to ease some of the...
the uncomfortable things that we deal with on a day -to -day basis? Are they actually there to get to know you and build something with you? Or are they there to wine you and dine you and say all the right things? I think a lot of women learn this lesson the hard way. I'll speak for myself. I know I did. But actions speak a lot louder than words. And they are also the things that are going to be the foundation of a longer lasting relationship.
patient.
Curt (04:25)
Yeah, you're right. And I think it's you're setting yourself up for failure with that big laundry list of do's don'ts deal breakers because nobody wants it to be transactional. That's one of the biggest complaints on the current dating app scene. And with Konvo, we've changed that. But if you make it, here's the list of things that you must do in order to take me out or get to a second date or however you want to phrase it. The man is looking at that. If it's again in a situation like I'm looking, then it would be like, okay, well.
You've already made it transactional. Here's your list. If I make this list, what's in it for me? And all of a sudden now we have a, how many dinners is it? How much money should be spent? What is, your expectation in order to get to the third date or the fourth date? And now here we are in this tit for tat, no pun intended and transactional back and forth of expectations because of you came with your laundry list and maybe I came with mine and we're just checking each other's boxes.
Preeti (05:14)
Right. And tit for tat is very different than reciprocity. Reciprocity is an essential part of a healthy relationship and it is not tit for tat. What it is is a genuine desire to participate and give of yourself in a relationship. And sometimes that does mean material things. Sometimes that does mean taking somebody out, but it's not the only thing. I see on the boards,
that women often fall into the trap of mothering and maybe providing for the person that they're dating in a way that makes them really uncomfortable. But the fact is, that you got yourself in that situation. You said yes to a series of things that then enabled that person to continue to rely on you. And here it is, we have the agency and the power to move through our lives differently from the mistakes that we've made in the past.
We don't need to bring those mistakes in in terms of our own behavior into new relationships. But as you always say, we don't need to transfer that burden onto a person that we don't know either. We need to correct the way that we move through the next relationship based on the information we gathered on what worked and what didn't in previous relationships. Learning from those is the only thing that we can really do to reclaim our power and instead of this overcorrection, which I think is what it is, is that maybe you were taken advantage of in a previous relationship. So now, you you're putting your cards on the table. You think you're being powerful and strong and confident. But really what you're doing is you're taking your angst and your regrets from a previous relationship and you're putting it into your new one. And that's not a great way to start with anybody. And it's probably something that might turn a lot of people off that you don't even get a chance to have that conversation and start to get to know somebody.
Curt (06:59)
And a great way not to get a second date is to ask someone when they tell you their story on the first date. And it's usually a victim story unless they're doing the work and Konvo is for people who are doing the work is, that's fascinating. That's terrible. The way you were treated. really? What was your role in it? That's a great way not to get a second date. Cause it's basically asking like, okay, you got yourself in this position, whatever the story you just heard. that he either took advantage of you, like you said, or he was acting out his own traumas. But what was your role? Enabler?
That's a big one. You let it get to a point where you just couldn't take it anymore. and not setting up healthy boundaries, even on day one, when you meet somebody about, know, how are going to communicate, how often you're going to meet, what are the expectations? So, working on yourself, that's a big Konvo thing and what you bring to the, date or the party is an interesting section we developed with the question. So, I think it's going to be a really fresh way to look at a relationship and what you bring to it. Like you're trying out for the team.
If you do that, you don't go up to the coach and say, what can this team do for me? Why should I try out? You tell the coach, here's what I'm good at. Let me try out. I'm changing that mindset to kind of earning it every day, which you have to do in a relationship, whether it's one day or 10 years down the road.
Preeti (07:50)
Right.
And that question, what's your role in it? It's actually a question that I started asking about a year and a half into online dating, where I wasn't really getting far with people. I realized that we all have our sad stories to tell, and we do commiserate on the pain of past relationships. I mean, we're all in this online dating world because something didn't work. And there's a ton of disappointment and regret and pain that comes with that. And that can be shared and that could actually be part of how a couple moves together to make sure that they don't do those things to one another. I understand that you are upset when something happens and I choose not to do that. I'm very cautious of that because I put your needs and your feelings as a priority in my life. So that's one way of moving through it.
I learned to ask the question so what was your role in all of that? And the answers were really varied and they said a lot about the person.
The person who was annoyed and pissed off that I dared ask that question was not going to be my person. That was the person who wasn't really willing to look in, maybe wasn't ready for a relationship. I can't exactly know why, but it was definitely not the response that was going to get a second date from me. The person who sort of took their time and said, I don't know, but that's a really good question. That was somebody that I could get behind and somebody who
you know, may not be there yet. We're not asking for you to have finished the work. We're asking for you to be interested in doing the work and getting up every day and making the commitment to doing that work on self -improvement in order to be healthy in a healthy relationship. But the expectation isn't that you're done and dusted and that you know everything now and you're some sort of relationship expert. It's that you're willing, right? You're willing to learn, you're willing to grow, and you know that in a healthy relationship.
people grow together or else they grow apart. So Curt, Konvo Dating, how do we get in touch with you about Konvo?
Curt (09:56)
I agree.
Go to Konvodating.com, put your email in. You'll get early access and some beta testing and maybe some MVP feedback on what you think of basically stripping the entire dating app infrastructure down and rebuilding it, not just putting a coat of paint on it, not just putting a little twist on the end. That's a little bit different, but all the same, it looks a lot different. It feels a lot different. And the questions and the mindset are a lot different in there too. So.
ConvoDating .com, put your email in now, get on the list for early access. And as we get updates and beta out there, you'll be one of our testers.
Preeti (10:32)
Sounds great. Thanks so much, Curt.
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