The Ultimate Boundary Transcript
Curt Dalton (00:00)
Good morning Preetilicious.
Preeti (00:01)
Good morning, Curtafer.
Curt Dalton (00:03)
I was wondering, I have a question for you that you would be a great person to answer.
Preeti (00:07)
Okay.
Curt Dalton (00:07)
When is it okay to detach with kindness or love or end a relationship with a friend or loved one? At what point do you know you can give yourself grace and say it's okay that this relationship has run its course, even if it's with a family member? What are the signs or what's the check boxes in your head that you should go through before you make that decision?
Preeti (00:26)
Right. Well, I think I want to just start off by acknowledging that that's really hard. If you're at a point in a relationship where you're considering that maybe you can't continue having a relationship with someone that you love and that you care about and who probably also loves you and cares about you, it's a really difficult place to come to. And whether that's a parent or a friend or a spouse or
Even an adult child. That is probably one of the most painful things that we'll do as people. But you can't...
Curt Dalton (00:55)
Alright.
Preeti (00:56)
There's a metaphor used often in the recovery community, and it's about putting your oxygen mask on before putting anybody else's oxygen mask on. In an airplane, we're always given that instruction, right? And what that really means is that if you're not breathing life into yourself, if you're not doing the things that sustain you and that make you healthy, then you can't be of any use to anybody else. And sometimes that does mean severing ties with a family member or a friend. It's always a good idea to talk to somebody that you trust about it. You don't necessarily need to make any of those decisions on your own. If you're in therapy, it's really important to talk to your therapist about it and get that perspective. The fact is that some relationships are abusive and violent emotionally and physically and sexually.
And that's a completely different ball game. That's not what we're talking about here. Those are relationships where in a therapeutic situation, I hope that you're in therapy if you're in a relationship like that. And if you're not, I ask that you seek that out. That is a completely different scenario than what we're talking about. We're talking about something that seems less dire, but it is also dire just in a different way. And I'll explain why. In recovery, protecting my emotional sobriety, is just as important, if not more important than protecting my sobriety. And I'll explain what I mean by that. Sobriety is giving up the substance, right? So the drug, the alcohol, the food, the person, the gambling, whatever your addiction is, the shopping.
I want to talk a little bit about the difference between emotional sobriety and sobriety. So sobriety is putting down the addictive substance. So for me, it was alcohol. I put down alcohol almost four years ago. And what that enabled me to do is to have a clear picture of my life and the areas in which I need to work. And a lot of that has to do with developing healthy coping skills. And part of developing healthy coping skills is learning to set boundaries with the people you love.
and it's also learning to become your own safe place. And the way to become your own safe place is to protect your sobriety and your emotional sobriety at all costs. This also applies to people who are not addicts in recovery. Protecting your emotional well -being is your number one job. There is nothing else, there's nothing to accomplish, there's nothing to enjoy.
Curt Dalton (02:59)
you
Preeti (03:20)
There is nothing to give to others if you are not well and healthy emotionally. And if there's somebody in your life who is threatening that emotional sobriety, who causes you pain and who causes you, you've noticed, to make poor decisions, to be incredibly stressed all the time, you've realized that you're giving a lot more in this relationship, that you're not receiving
there's no reciprocity in the relationship. It could be that the person is very unhealthy and maybe has a sickness themselves. Maybe it's an addiction, maybe it's an obsession with something, maybe they're just not a fully healthy person. And we want the best for our friends and family. And so what we do is we encourage them, we help them, we set an example. But there comes a point where each of us has to say,
Is this relationship a net positive or a net negative in my life? And is it detracting from spending time with healthy people, spending time with myself, advancing myself in a healthy way? And it's not an easy question to ask yourself. I'm sorry if you're in that situation. I've been in that situation. It's a tough situation to be in. One of the biggest things that I've realized is that a lot of that is ego. Like I want people to like me. I'm a people pleaser.
lot of us are. And so the idea of setting a boundary with someone is scary because it might mean that they don't like me. And what I've had to overcome, what I've had to understand is that it actually doesn't serve that person either. What you probably end up doing is entering into a relationship where you become the enabler in that relationship, right? Like you're actually not helping that person heal themselves and go on their own healing journey.
Curt Dalton (04:54)
Exactly.
Preeti (05:01)
if it's the status quo, most of us need consequences to make changes in our life. And sometimes those consequences mean losing friendships.
Curt Dalton (05:10)
I think you said it great on the boundary, right? What is a boundary? Because a lot of people will describe what you're saying as this person sucks all my energy, right? All right. They just feel so run down or so tired after I deal with this person, friend, family, loved one, that they're just kind of pulling all your emotional support and emotional sobriety to them for their discussion or drama or chaos. And over time, you just feel always worn down, like, whoo, that's always
That's some effort right there being around that person and it can be a loved one, a family member, that you'll have to put up a boundary to block that, if you want to call it energy pull or you're just seem to be grounding them. You're not doing them any favors letting them do that over and over and setting up a boundary actually helps you and that person realize, hey, look, I always feel like really tired. It sucks all the energy out of me hanging out with you or talking to you. And that's when you have to kind of...
do a little self -reflection and ask, this a positive, like you said, a net positive relationship in my life?
Preeti (06:07)
I'm so glad you brought up fatigue. Fatigue is my number one sign that something's not going well in a relationship. And the more I'm in tune with my body and my physical reactions to stressors, the more I realize that my intuition really lies in my body. So when I am fatigued for no good reason, there's usually an emotional cause to that. And it often is in a relationship with another person.
I have used that in dating quite often. If I'm dating somebody and I am constantly tired at the end of the day and I've just had a normal day, that person is probably not the person for me. It doesn't mean that there's anything particularly wrong with them. It doesn't mean that they did anything particularly bad, but it is sort of a sign that my body and my nervous system is reacting to something. So the more that we pay attention to those
visceral cues that our bodies will tell us, we call them gut reactions, right? The fact is that our guts are tied to our brains and we're understanding more and more about the nervous system and how the nervous system operates with all of our other systems.
Curt Dalton (07:13)
And of course there's the memes out there with, a taker will take from you until you say no, and then they'll move on. is it, there reciprocity in the relationship? Is there listening? Is there equal talking? Whatever your thing is, if there's not, one of you is going to build up disdain and anger toward the other person. And at some point you got to say
This isn't a good thing. I don't feel happy around you. And again, it can be a loved one. It can be a parent. It could be a brother or sister. There's certainly plenty of stories like that out there. You know, I just don't talk to my sister anymore. I you know, I haven't talked to my brother in 10 years. And the initial reaction without knowing the details is, that's terrible. that's so sad. But you don't know. He could have made the best decision of his life or she could have made the best decision of her life if the parent was emotionally abusive or, a friend was just, taking too much time and energy. Well, that's not a friendship.
They didn't see you as a friend. They saw you as a source of energy or pulling from you or time. As you get older and you have kids, you only have so much time for relationships outside of the big five or the big three, whether it's kids or a wife or a husband. You really gotta be specific on who you spend time with. And as your kids travel through life and you join different groups of...
of friends whether it's soccer or a debate club or you're on the tennis team or your kids in ice skating, you kind of weave in and out of parent groups and you got to be careful how much time you spend with people that are not beneficial for you or not net beneficial for you as well.
Preeti (08:32)
Right, I completely agree. You know, my friends who are parents definitely have to be really mindful of their time and their commitment to their children is palpable. And they spend a lot of time ensuring that their kids are safe and also thriving. It's a really big responsibility. My friends without children also.
can take this on as an important responsibility because really what we're doing here is that we're breaking cycles of generational trauma. And whether or not you have kids, if you are able to break a cycle of generational trauma, there is a ripple effect. It not just benefits you, your children.
your siblings, your parents, your entire family through the generations, it will benefit the people who are not even doing that work, it will also benefit all the people you come into contact with. And that's something that I think about often is that if I continue to move through this world and improve myself and try to do better each time and learn from my mistakes, every person I encounter after I've learned that lesson is the beneficiary of me doing that work.
I will also say that I have been the friend who was toxic. I have been the friend that somebody needed to let go of. And it was very, very painful on that side of it as well. And I know that for my friend who let me go, it was painful for her also, but she did it for self -preservation. She did it because I was not in a healthy place and that I hadn't been in a really long time and because I was an unreliable friend. This was my best friend.
since we were 13 years old. We were very, very close. We went to high school together. We went to college together. And we spent a lot of time over the years in our 20s and in our early 30s. Weaving our lives together, we intertwined. She was a sister to me. I honestly never, ever thought that relationship would end. And I absolutely took it for granted. And for a long time, I
I couldn't see why she let me go as a friend. I thought I'm a good person. I'm loving, I'm kind, I have such a good heart. what was it that I did so badly? And really what it was is that she couldn't rely on me. I would disappear. And there are reasons for that. And it wasn't necessarily my alcoholism. It was actually more to do with my depression, that I would fall into a depression.
and I would not want to talk to anybody and I would retreat. And it was really painful and really hard for her to not be able to be there for me and for me to not ever reach out and lean on her. But it was also painful to her because sometimes she was going through things also and she needed a friend and I wasn't always able to be there. I was the sort of friend who was...
When I was doing okay, when I was well, I was a great friend. And if I didn't feel good, if I was depressed or anxious or I had started to isolate myself, I was not a very good friend at all. And it's only in recovery and not even in, it's in recovery. It's only since getting sober and doing this work that I fully understand. But also recently,
I've had to do the same with people I really love and care about. I took it very seriously. I did not let go of these friendships because I disliked the person. I still love these people, but they were not healthy and they weren't doing anybody any good. And setting a healthy boundary, and actually she said to me at the time, I realize I have to set a boundary with you. And I think she said something along the lines of, wish I didn't have to, but I have to.
and I didn't understand it. And, you know, I have a lot of regrets. really, wish, I wish, and I made an amends to her when I got sober and we had a great conversation and we talk now and then on the phone, but it's never gonna be, it's never gonna be what it was. And I have to take responsibility for that. I have to own the fact that I was not able.
to show up for her in the ways that she deserved and that she had every right to make that stand. I wish it was different. I wish there was a way to heal and mend, but you also can't have that expectation. So when I made an amends to her, amends is not the same thing as forgiveness, right? You're not asking somebody to do any of the emotional work. An amends is really going to somebody and saying, I see it now.
I see where I went wrong and I'm really sorry for that and I'm not gonna do it again. And that doesn't always mean I'm not gonna do it again with the person you're talking to. Sometimes it means that you're just gonna learn from that and you're not gonna do it again. And I will say that if I look at myself now, I am a much more reliable friend. I am working on being a completely honest friend, able to say, no, I can't do that right now. It's very hard still for me to say no, but it...
It works better for everybody involved if I can. And I'm able to give myself grace. I did not want to lose her friendship. And I did not do any of those things with any malicious intent. I did the best that I could at the time. And it wasn't good enough. But it doesn't make me a bad person. It's not something that I have any shame over. And I especially don't have shame over it because it is a mistake that I've learned from.
So whether you're the person who is in need of severing a tie or you're the person whose ties have been severed, we understand how painful that is, but we also understand that it's necessary.
Curt Dalton (13:56)
I think you brought up a great point with the teens as you were talking about, because covering this material with teens in MAYA and having teens go through it at that stage of life. mean, we're old and adults now and, you know, been through it. They are so concerned about being liked. I won't be a good friend. I'm a people pleaser as a teen. It's so important to blend and be accepted by a peer group that they have a real time when we go over this, these exercises with them about being able to say no and be having a boundary with somebody.
They're terrified, right? They just think they're not going to like me. I'm going to get kicked to the curb. So having your teens learn this early, as opposed to, you know, as a 40 or 50 year old person is so valuable. And that part of the MAYA course that we do with teens and they're scared at first and then they realize, you know, it's for their health and their friends' health. But that fear of not belonging and not being accepted, if I say no, is so huge at the teenage level.
Preeti (14:52)
That's so true. we talk often about why is it so important for teens to do the MAYA program? is this actually something that's critical or is it a nice to have? And the answer is, is that it's absolutely critical because it's fundamental to a person's emotional well -being.
and their ability to navigate life in healthy ways and develop meaningful relationships that they know their self -worth. Everything is based on self -worth. And we do not put enough emphasis on that. There's no class for it in school. You don't major in it in college. We can go our entire lives not really understanding our worth, not knowing who we are, not being able to articulate what we bring to the table, not being proud of how hard we work and the goodness that's in each of us. And if we're able to tap into that, it really becomes a superpower. You can move through the world kindly with compassion, but you can also move through the world standing up for yourself, standing up for what's right and making sure that your needs are being met so that you don't turn to alcohol, drugs, other people, enter into abusive relationships and stay in them. It really all comes back to valuing yourself and knowing that you are worthy because you exist, because you wake up every day and you try a little bit harder than you did the day before.
Curt Dalton (16:20)
Absolutely, so if the parents are interested and this sounds like something you'd like your teen to go through how do they find us and where do they go?
Preeti (16:26)
All right. Well, we are at MAYA4Life.com. That's MAYA4life.com. You can find us on all the social media and on YouTube. And of course, you can just call us and we pick up the phone. If you call, you can book online a zoom call with us and we'd be really happy to talk to you. There's no charge for that. We're also running a special currently. So if you'd like to get your kids in, we have a few more spots available for the fall and it is 25 percent off just for you.
Curt Dalton (16:55)
Alright, check out maya4life.com, get in touch with us and hopefully we'll be able to talk to you and your son or daughter in the future.
Preeti (17:02)
Great, thanks so much Curt, this was fun.
Curt Dalton (17:04)
Alright, Preeti.
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