Preeti Davidson (00:01.934)
Good morning. It is Wednesday, December 27th, 2023. I'm a little nervous. Today is my sober anniversary. Three years ago today, I stopped drinking and it changed my whole life and it made everything possible again, and I didn't do any of that alone and I don't do any of it alone now. And this last couple of weeks, these last couple of weeks have really, really shown me that I don't do any of it alone and I don't have to. So the big news of this anniversary is that I almost relapsed last week.
Preeti Davidson (00:58.038)
And I don't say that lightly. I've been using euphemisms for it. I've been saying, I was really in a bad place. I was squirrely. was just restless, you know, all sorts of...euphemisms for what it really was. And what it really was is that I did something that I've done a million times since I felt pretty solid in my recovery, which was about six months in, which is I went to a restaurant, took myself to fancy lunch, which I hadn't done in a while. And I sat at the bar because there was no room at a table. And
Preeti Davidson (01:42.272)
I have not noticed bottles of alcohol. I don't care if other people drink. Not everyone feels that way in recovery, but that's been part of my journey. And I sat down and ordered my roast chicken with mashed potatoes and green beans.
Preeti Davidson (02:05.218)
bottles started to dance. It was not just that I noticed them, it was that they started to dance and I texted my my sponsor immediately and I said I told her what was happening and she called me a little bit later but in the interim I had
enough sort of self -awareness at that point and I knew that I was on shaky ground because I'd had a difficult time emotionally in the last couple of weeks that I ate two bites of my chicken and I left and I felt like I ran out you know it happened very quickly but the opposite could have happened very quickly as well. So
I am incredibly grateful that these last years of working every day on this, being held up by my community, my recovery community, by having, by believing in something that's not me, that's external or maybe not external to me, but believing in something bigger than me.
by mending relationships, by forgiving myself and loving myself and giving myself grace, by learning to take care of myself, learning to be my own safe place, my own parent in some ways, not looking externally, not being afraid of feelings.
And I didn't know how to do any of those things, if I ever knew how to do any of those things. But I learned how, and people taught me.
Preeti Davidson (04:01.13)
So, also woke up to the news that the Korean actor from Parasite passed away. I won't go into any details, but it said that there was some suspicion of drug use and the government was after him and Korea's declared a war on drugs, just like we did in the US in the 80s under the Reagan administration.
and it's hurt a lot of people. I may not be what you think of when you think of an addict and an alcoholic, but that's what I am and this is what it looks like. And punishing people, I don't mean that we shouldn't be held responsible for our actions while we are
while our disease is active. That's not what I'm saying, but punishing people for having a disease is not helpful It's actually very cruel And there's better ways of doing that but that's not what this video is for What I actually want to talk about and it's you know makes me really nervous is
you will have already seen the transformation photo from what I looked like three years ago to now. And it's not about looks, it's not about the external, except that the external is a representation of the internal and people who meet me now think that this is how I've always been and that's not true.
Preeti Davidson (05:47.854)
The end of the progression of my disease went right before I hit my bottom. I was about 100 pounds heavier, had a lot of acne from not eating properly or washing my face properly. There were times when I couldn't have the energy. I didn't have the energy to shower. Like how disgusting is that? But that's what happened to me.
how bad it got.
Preeti Davidson (06:22.478)
It was a long, complicated, emotional road back, but that glimmer of hope
Preeti Davidson (06:39.928)
was enough. wasn't a lot, but it was enough.
Preeti Davidson (06:54.282)
I want you to know.
that there's a glimmer somewhere inside you or inside your loved one. There is. It's not completely extinguished, even if it feels like it has been. It's faint. I know for me, I think I said yes to recovery. I said yes to rehab. and regretted every second of it after I did.
Preeti Davidson (07:29.519)
before I thought I deserved to get better, before I thought I could get better. At the time, I believed that as horrible as I felt on the inside, that was also reflected in how I looked on the outside, as unworthy as...
Preeti Davidson (07:57.952)
As much of a failure in life that I thought I was, as ashamed as I was of myself and my state, I truly, truly believed I brought it on myself and that I deserved to be that miserable. I had one shot at this life and I blew it. That realization was really dark.
but there was a glimmer under all of that darkness, under all of that depression
defeatism. There was a glimmer and I didn't know it and I didn't need to and that's why I want to tell you that you have it too because you don't have to feel it. Someone told me last year in recovery You don't have to feel better to be getting better and what I want to say today about that girl that sad
ashamed
Preeti Davidson (09:10.508)
dying girl
that she was brave and that she got me here. And I'm so grateful to her for having so much strength and courage that she didn't know she had to put one foot in front of the other every day.
Every single day you don't get a break from this and after a while you don't want to because It starts to feel good. It starts to feel like the life you were meant to lead But she thought she was hopeless She looked hopeless. She felt hopeless. She sounded hopeless She drank hopelessly and yet there was a glimmer
of hope.
And if I believe in anything
Preeti Davidson (10:11.874)
bigger than myself if I have a spiritual life, which I do now.
Preeti Davidson (10:19.466)
It's that hope that's greater than all the despair in the world.
Preeti Davidson (10:30.666)
So, thank you. Thank you, former sad self. Thank you for the life I have now. Life continues. It's not easy. All the things that make life lifey continue to happen. I just have a way of dealing with all of them now. I have coping skills, I have tools, I have a community, I have friends, I have...
I have myself. I am my own safe place. There's a few events that happened in the last couple of weeks. And I won't go into detail because they're very personal and they involve other people. Like, I'll tell you about my stuff, when it includes other people and their stuff, I don't think that's my right. And
came out of that, or I'm still coming out of it.
Preeti Davidson (11:32.376)
wounded?
but also with more information and wounds heal. You know, my sponsor says this too shall pass. She says it to me every day because I need to hear it. And for my anniversary, she sent me a hand painted wooden sign.
It says it, and so I look at it every day. And yesterday, I stared at it for hours. I mean, it was at the corner of my eye. was doing other things, but it was a constant in my day yesterday because it didn't feel like anything would pass yesterday. And it did.
So.
Preeti Davidson (12:19.918)
today when it feels hopeless when I'm in despair.
I don't want to drink hopelessly. And even there, sitting at that bar, I had no desire to drink. I had no craving. I had no urge. had... I didn't even completely have the thought, but what I knew is that I have an incurable disease that is insidious and that is waiting.
for weak moment and I'd had several weak moments. And that's when you learn to lean in more. That's when you learn to raise your hand and ask for help and pick up the phone and call your people and keep your circle really tight. And sometimes that hurts people, but it's survival.
Preeti Davidson (13:14.584)
And that's what I did.
For a few days, the only people I really talked to were my therapist and my sponsor.
Preeti Davidson (13:28.32)
I needed that to survive.
Preeti Davidson (13:40.942)
So today will be a day of gratitude and celebration. Gratitude for the tough lessons that broke me, but that I was able to and am able to continue to heal from. Gratitude for the second chance at life I didn't know I could have.
and I certainly didn't believe I deserved. And the ability to sit here and speak truthfully and tell my story and just hope, with maybe a little bit more than a glimmer, that it could be helpful to someone.
Preeti Davidson (14:32.352)
And to the families, your loved one who is suffering from addiction and alcoholism, need patience and love, and they also need to be left to their own devices. Nobody can do this for us. We don't do it alone, but we start it alone.
and it's hard to watch somebody hurt themselves.
Preeti Davidson (15:04.8)
It's hard to watch somebody relapse. What I've learned since being part of this recovery community is that it is a place where you can mess up over and over and over again. It is maybe the only place where you can do that and you can come back and you don't even need to say, I'm sorry. You just need to say, I'm here. I need help. I'm back. And you will be loved.
You will be cherished, you will be held, and you will be helped in a way that no one else can do for you, in a way that you can't even do for yourself in that moment. I have friends who have tried so hard to get and stay sober, some for years.
Preeti Davidson (15:57.836)
and it's hard to watch.
Preeti Davidson (16:02.946)
But a few of them in the last few months have gotten it. And that's a miracle to witness. And such an amazing gift because their vulnerability.
their defeatism.
Preeti Davidson (16:23.874)
was a gift.
has kept me sober.
and has encouraged me and inspired me to help. Not just them, but anyone I can. Because that's what was done for me. None of this would be possible without the people who came before.
They figured it all out, so I don't have to. And I am someone who wants to think it through and figure it out and find the new way. And it is the one thing I don't do anymore. I don't do it in this space. It's already there. It's available.
with us. Come find us. We're here. We want to help you. We want to love you until you can love yourself and you will. You will wake up one day and you will love yourself just as you are. Flaws, shame, desperation, hopelessness, glimmers, just as you are.
Preeti Davidson (17:35.854)
Thank you. Thank you for letting me talk about this and for listening. I hope you will share it, not for likes, not for whatever all of that is. I don't really even know. I'm 45. But.
Preeti Davidson (17:58.636)
because it will help. Because until I found recovery, I didn't know anybody talked like this, felt like this. It was my secret shame. And I'm hoping that by making these videos that the secret's out, right? I've outed myself. I've broken my own anonymity.
Preeti Davidson (18:26.092)
Because I don't want you to not find recovery and miss out on this because if maybe a stranger on the internet tells you their story, he'll pick up that phone, call a hotline, call a rehab, call a group in your area. There's so many recovery programs out there to help you.
Preeti Davidson (18:57.484)
And I'm so grateful to be alive. I'm so grateful to feel the full range of emotions that I feel now that I'm not numbing myself with alcohol and Valium.
Preeti Davidson (19:12.674)
I'm grateful to have lived to tell about it. And I'm grateful to see what's next because there are ups and there's downs, but there are ups. And these last three years, I have consistently had good days mixed in with the bad, but more good than bad.
And in a day where I feel that hopelessness again, I will also experience love, joy, humor. I will laugh. It is never one thing anymore. And that thing used to be pain and complete numbness.
Preeti Davidson (20:07.576)
So here's to the full range of emotions. Here's to the human experience. Here's to feeling everything. Here's to...
Preeti Davidson (20:20.64)
letting go and letting the universe do its thing.
Preeti Davidson (20:27.235)
And here's to all of you who don't think you have a glimmer, who feel so desperately hopeless, and you don't think anybody understands. I get it. We get it. And we're here for you. I love you guys. Thanks for letting me share.
I'M A LOSER AND FAILURE, THAT UNRELENTING CRITICAL VOICE, WATCH BELOW..
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