Traits of a Healthy Relationship: Trust and Acceptance Transcript
Curt Dalton (00:00)
Hello, Preeti how are you? I'm good, I have a question for you.
Preeti (00:01)
I'm good, Curt how are you?
Alright, shoot.
Curt Dalton (00:05)
We make a lot of videos about what's wrong with relationships, what's unhealthy, what are the red flags, don't look for a but I love you, but I'm a good person, get out of jail free, don't let someone do this on a dating app. Let's flip it. Let's change the conversation to you tell me what does a healthy relationship look like?
Preeti (00:24)
my gosh, well, I could go on for a whole series on healthy relationships, but let's do two today. Trust being the first one and acceptance being the second one.
Curt Dalton (00:28)
Maybe we should.
Preeti (00:35)
Trust is super important in a relationship. And it could be as simple as giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Your partner says something that's a little, they make a joke, it doesn't really land, you're not really feeling in a jokey mode, maybe you're feeling a little bit salty today as some of us do from time to time.
That doesn't mean that they intended to upset you. Like I think part of that is owning the fact and being aware of the fact that you have feelings in this as well. And the way you're reacting to when you're in a good mood is going to be completely different if you're not feeling good. Maybe you have a cold coming on. Maybe you're stressed about work. So owning the fact that that Curt, you could make a joke to me today and it may not land well is actually not your problem is a piece of that. But the other piece of it is if you are in a relationship with somebody, don't you want to give them the benefit of the doubt? Haven't you chosen this person based on love and trust and a mutual understanding and some shared values? And haven't you gotten to know this person?
So why all of a sudden would you feel like this person is out to get you? And I think that the answer is because when we are triggered, what actually gets triggered is the primitive part of our brain. And then we are in fight or flight mode, right? And so fight mode means I'm not reading the room properly. I'm super triggered by this. He must mean something mean about it. He's being mean. I'm the victim.
and it's really just all ego and it's the beginning of the collapse of relationships. Enough of that and you completely erode a relationship. So, but on the flip side of it, giving somebody the benefit of the doubt is such a loving act. And there's ways to sort of just let things go and not make things a big deal, right? And giving somebody the benefit of the doubt and just saying, I don't need to react right in this moment. I can...
I can take a beat. I know this person in and out, and this person has always been loving and kind and empathetic and always has our and mine and his best interests at heart. I don't need to be salty about this right now. It's a loving act. It'll make you feel better. Now down the line, if there's some evidence to say that, ooh, things are not really quite right, you'll know that too. But far too often we become really defensive when we're not in a good mood. And it's detrimental to relationships.
Curt Dalton (03:01)
Sure. And trust, obviously people will say, as soon as the trust is gone, it's over, right? Whether it's a friendship or a business relationship or a marriage. So that's definitely number one. Cause if you can't trust someone, what do you really have and how are you going to grow? And I think when you break that trust, there's it. That's why people say, you know, like you can't get it back or can it be earned back? Do you think someone who breaks a trust can earn it back or get back to a healthy relationship with that same person?
Preeti (03:26)
wow. Well, that's a complicated question that has a million answers. I think it really depends on the circumstances. It depends on the people. And it depends on the manner in which that trust was broken. In cases of infidelity, which I think is often how a trust is broken, sometimes those are not reparable. But as many times as it's not reparable, there seem to be times that people are able to reconcile. And that has to do with honesty.
and taking the time to build back the relationship. In other instances, I think that if somebody has broken a trust and is refusing to admit that they have done anything wrong and is unwilling to concede that they have hurt somebody or they have caused harm in any way, there is zero chance for reconciliation. And possibly also that person isn't deserving of a chance for reconciliation.
Because when your loved one comes to you and says, you have hurt me in the following ways, or if you've hurt another member of our family in the following ways, and you say, no, I have not, it shuts down any opportunity for mutuality, for understanding, for love, for compassion, for empathy. And it absolutely continues to break the trust. It re -traumatizes, and it continues to break the trust. Because...
You looked at this person at some point and said, I trust you with my feelings. I trust you with my kids. I trust you with my future. And a simple thing as you've hurt my feelings and the gaslighting response of no, I did not, that there can't be any trust when that happens.
Curt Dalton (05:01)
I think acceptance is a big part because what's one of the biggest mistakes you see is I'm going to change that person. I can change them and we both know you can't change anyone. You can only work on yourself. So where does acceptance in a healthy relationship fit in?
Preeti (05:13)
I'm glad you brought it up, Curt because the second thing I wanted to talk about today was the importance of acceptance in a relationship. And it's exactly as you describe. We cannot go into relationships thinking, I'll fix him. I'll make him better. I was watching a TV show that will not be mentioned the other day. It might've been trashy TV. And the woman in the show said, don't worry about whether or not he's a good dresser.
you can always fix that. And it was so cringy and gross to me because first of all, like, who cares how somebody dresses? I mean, if that is such an important, like if that's high on your list of things that you want for a potential partner, then I'm guessing that you're not thinking about a lot of the other important things. Right? And so, but in more serious matters,
Curt Dalton (05:57)
Yeah, I'm probably out on that one.
Preeti (06:02)
If somebody has a substance abuse issue, if they are not taking care of that on their own, if they are not getting help, if they are not invested in being healthy, there is zero chance of you helping them through it. In fact, the greatest chance is of you getting frustrated and of you going down with the ship. Two healthy people do not enter into relationships to fix or change each other.
Healthy people enter into relationships because there is common ground, there's shared values, there's affection, there's sexual attraction. And we feel that we have enough of a foundation to grow and build and support and encourage the other person. But if you're going into a relationship looking to change or alter somebody, it's manipulative at best. And at worst, it's a disaster waiting to happen.
Curt Dalton (06:51)
All right, so first part of the series for a healthy relationship, we need trust, first rule, and acceptance. So how do people find out how to learn these things and talk this way? Where should they go if they want to talk to us or have their kids start to learn this stuff?
Preeti (07:05)
Yeah, so you can find us at Maya4Life.com. That's Maya4Life.com. You can also find us all over social media. We are here to talk to you, to talk to you about your kids, to talk to your kids, and to help you through any parenting and family issues that you have. Feel free to book a call with us. It is complimentary to have an initial consultation with us, and we can't wait to hear from you.
Curt Dalton (07:29)
All right, thank you, Preeti
Preeti (07:30)
Thanks Curt.
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