I am never going to…again Transcript
Preeti (00:00)
Hey, it's Preeti and Curt from Maya4Life.com. we're talking about, hey Curt, have you ever said to yourself, I am never going to fill in the blank again? Like you've been through the wringer, you've learned your lesson and you vow that you are absolutely never going to get yourself into that situation, do that thing.
Is this something that's resonating with you? Do you have any examples for this? Why do people do that, say that?
Curt Dalton (00:25)
Yes, so that's an interesting one is we work on the Konvodating.com app about the non -negotiables in the dating world and someone has a non -negotiable meaning if you smoke or if you drink or whatever it is Completely out. I don't want to know anything about you It's based on a pain right from a from a previous person or relationship so there's transference going on from that relationship to you so when you say I will never do that again that's fine. That means you learned a lesson, right? There's a very painful thing happened and you fill in your own blank because we all have our own. I will never do that again. Period. But not only was there pain, but what could you learn from it? What was, what did you put out there? Was it expectation? Was it love? Was it something put on the other person that you didn't receive back and you're very hurt by it. So now you're carrying this around and bringing it to everyone you meet.
There are lessons to be learned in that, but also you have to do the work and find out why am I so hurt by that? What did I do? What was my role in that part of it where now I'm saying, I'll never do that again, or I won't put up with that ever. That's a non -negotiable, whether it's on a dating app or with your kids or parenting, it's transference from the past. That's one thing. And why are you bringing it forward? Because there's a lot of pain in it. And then what was the pain? What was your role in the pain?
Was it again, was it your expectations that someone would act a certain way or be something or was it you expected it of your kids? If you're parenting, you know how many parents have said, I will never take you there again if you act like this. So that version I've I will never means there was a lesson learned. There was a lot of pain and you're still transferring it to a current situation. If you're still saying it.
Preeti (01:54)
So when does that vier into an empty promise? You mentioned, you know, parents who threaten, I'm never going to let you, but we say that to ourselves as well. I am never going to. And the next thing you know, you're doing it again.
Curt Dalton (02:06)
Sure. So that's just a repeated pattern, right? That's like a generational pattern where you say, swore I'd never do this again and here I go. So you're still not understanding what you're supposed to learn from that. If you want to go down that road about what was the lesson, because you're going to keep repeating it until you get the lesson or until you get over whatever this trauma is. Let's say it's from childhood where your mom or dad yelled at you like that or something happened and now you're doing it to a partner or a child. You still haven't learned the lesson if you're just going to repeat it over and over.
Until you look at it and do the work and understand it, you'll probably repeat. Again, how many drinkers say on a Friday night with the hangover Saturday morning, I'm never going to drink again. That's probably the most common adult one you'll hear. I will never drink again come Saturday morning. And there you are a week later.
Preeti (02:45)
or later that day. I will tell you from the recovery community, many of us vowed in the morning to never do that again and come four or five o 'clock. well, it's happy hour somewhere. We have these built -in forgetters and addicts do, but I think everybody does to a certain extent.
Curt Dalton (02:47)
Right. Care of the dog.
And look at that, you know, look at that transference of why you're saying it again, right? So something happened. You had your heart broken. You lost a lot of money, something painful. And you're saying, I will never do that again, whether it's trusting someone or giving someone, let's say it's money upfront. So now you come to a situation in your life where someone needs money upfront and you're saying, I swore I'd never do this again. Cause I got burned. So right away, you know, I'm going back to an old part.
There's a lot of pain there that I didn't work on. don't understand. And here I am put in the same position. It could be with your kids on another Friday night. They want to go to sky zone. I'm never going to sky zone the way you acted last week. And here you are Friday night. We're going back to sky zone. So you're to repeat that. If you catch yourself repeating that over and over, I'll never do it. It's the same thing. Then you need to look at why it keeps coming up and what you need to learn from it. What was the part you played in it? And what's the, what, why are you repeating it in a way that's painful?
trying to avoid pain and that's where you start by doing the work.
Preeti (03:53)
Right, and definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. This also comes down to boundaries. And here's the thing about boundaries that maybe no one's told you. You are probably the one who is going to violate your own boundaries more than anyone else. I have found this to be true in my life. I will set a boundary with a friend or family member or coworker, and I will...want to take it back immediately. to me, I think the reason for that is because it's hard to set a boundary, but it's even harder to follow through on it. We want people to like us. We want people to be different. And as you said, we don't want to do the work. Doing the work is really hard. Hoping for the best, crossing your fingers and sort of hoping that things will be different this time is something that we humans do over and over and over again. And really what we're doing when we repeat the mistake is that we are violating our our set of boundaries. We had a good instinct that said, this is not serving me. I need to not do this. But for whatever reason, we throw that away. We throw caution to the wind and we think, this time it will be different. This time they'll figure it out. This time he won't hurt me. This time I won't drink too much. This, you know, and it never is. And what ends up happening is that you got to rack up enough of hurt.
pain and suffering in order to finally make a change. Most human beings do not make changes unless there is a desperate dire need. In the recovery community, we call it reaching a bottom. But we see this every day, regardless of the issue. think about people who've been unhappily married for decades. People are unhappily married for decades, endure daily angst, daily pain and suffering and
and oftentimes might do so for the rest of their lives. And there's good reasons for that. I'm not delegitimizing that in any way, shape or form, but it often takes a really big thing that happens in that relationship for the person who has thought time and time again, this is not the relationship for me, something is very wrong here. I could have a better life. Maybe I even deserve a better life. It usually comes down to...
something pretty drastic has to happen in order for us to be compelled to make a change that big.
Curt Dalton (06:07)
And that's one of parents probably most painful lessons they know they're passing on and they can't most can't help it. We're to stay together for the kids, stay in a broken marriage where everyone's just yelling at each other and mumbling under their breath and fighting. Cause you know, I don't want my kids to have this type of relationship. And it goes both ways, whether you're, you know, with a husband or a wife, but whether you financially can't separate or you think it's, well, we'll just stay together for the kids. Actually, that's the worst thing you can do. Cause now you're passing on that generational
Here's what a relationship looks like. We're your mother and father, if it's traditional. We're your role models and your superheroes to a point. And we're showing you this is what, how, this is happiness at its top level. You're miserable. And so many parents know it's wrong, but they just don't have the strength, the courage, the finances to say, no, it takes more. I won't let my son or daughter, I'm not going to pass this on to their future boyfriends and girlfriends and husbands and wives. I have to show what a good relationship and a healthy relationship looks like.
I need to get out of this one. And it's painful, but it's the right thing to do. And it changes their generation and their kids' relationships by them seeing you do that.
Preeti (07:11)
That's absolutely right. And at MAYA we've heard a lot from dads, from divorced families, where the dads were worried that they weren't going to be able to see their kids. And their kids were really important to them. They couldn't imagine a world in which they weren't going to see their kids on a daily basis. And that's a really important and heartbreaking reason to stay in a relationship.
But as you said, it is also up to us to model what it is to take care of ourselves and what it is to be responsible for our own happiness. I know somebody who keeps drilling it into me and all of our students at MAYA that you are responsible for 100 % of your future happiness. And we can't actually pass that on to our kids if we're not walking that walk, as difficult as that is.
Curt Dalton (07:57)
Yeah, that teacher is excellent. He's handsome. He's articulate. He's probably a first class guy. But I would also say that it's selfish for a parent to do that. And here's why if we break it down without emotion, I want to see you every day. That's my desire to see son or daughter A and B. I'm putting that ahead of your needs, which are role modeling this not healthy relationship so that it goes with you the rest of your life.
Preeti (08:03)
Yeah.
Curt Dalton (08:20)
And this is what your father put up with, or this is what your mother put up with. So you should do the same when your time comes. It, it's, it's stinks all the way around, but if you're really putting your son or daughter first and their future, then you have to have the courage to say, this isn't healthy. I don't want this for you in the future. There's better ways to communicate and be happy and either get into therapy and change it with that person or get out.
Preeti (08:43)
Yeah, that's pretty brilliant. That's definitely a good teacher. But the other side of that is that it's easy to sort of hide behind. I'm terrified of living alone. I'm terrified of starting over. I'm in my 40s or 50s. This is not how I expected my life to go. And it's really hard to think of a change. being with somebody for for decades is not easy to let go of, even when it gets toxic and when it's unhealthy. But the real issue there is that we're modeling codependency because healthy individuals do not rely on other people, places, or things to bring them safety and security, not even in a marriage, not even in a loving relationship. Healthy individuals go into a loving relationship.
Being safe and secure in themselves and know that they can provide and protect their own safety and they don't give that away to even a partner. Trust is really important in a relationship, but that is very different than giving away your safety and security to another person. And so when we stay in unhappy relationships, what we are telling our children is that we can't do it on our own. We cannot be our own safe place. We don't know our own self -worth. And that codependency and misery is an okay way of life. I think that most parents would never wish the life that they are willing to endure on their children. And if you look at it this way, maybe it will be easier for you to make a change.
Curt Dalton (10:15)
But they'll role model it, right? And they'll say, I'm doing the best thing by staying together for the kids. And that's actually not right. That's actually not true. But it's almost too painful, like you said, and went over all the reasons to go the other way. So there's got to be a lot of empathy and compassion. It's not easy either way, you know? But if you think staying in a broken, unhealthy relationship is doing your kids a favor, you're doing it for them? Does that even make any sense when I just said those words? Like, let me stay in this unhealthy, broken relationship.
Preeti (10:29)
Absolutely.
Curt Dalton (10:42)
for them so they can learn. Right there, you know you're busted. You failed that one. So, yep, it's a complicated situation and painful. as we do the work on the Konvo Relationship app, you see the people on the dating apps with the same thing. When the data app asks, like, how's your life going? And people respond, well, I'm on this dating app. So there's your answer. That's kind of a tongue of cheek way of expressing what you just said. Like, yeah, life doesn't go as planned.
And when you're in your forties or fifties and trying to start over, not, wasn't on your bingo card, probably when you got married for this, this part of it, but you got to ride the wave and do what's best for your kids and they'll, they'll be happier.
Preeti (11:17)
But there's not a single one of us who has made that leap of faith to ask more from their lives and model it for themselves, for other generations, and for their partners. Sometimes it's one person in a relationship saying this is not working and the other person wants to hold on. And that's another complicated and difficult situation to be in. But there's not a single person who has made that leap of faith, who has regretted it and who has not gone on to find.
other avenues for love and companionship and friendship, and oftentimes with themselves. I know that one of the most unexpected consequences of my divorce was that I really learned how to enjoy being alone. I enjoy my solitude. I don't think of it as shameful. I don't feel lonely. I enjoy my own company. I've become more comfortable in my skin.
And you know what? At 46, better late than ever. And those are the things that I hope to share and model for the people in my life.
Curt Dalton (12:18)
Yeah. And I think you hit the nail on the head where in your forties, people kind of have been through that 20 years since their twenties of whether it's a marriage or a long -term relationship and people change. And if the communication and work isn't put in, even without kids, you might find yourself having to start over or getting rid of a partner. We'll say at that age and figuring out your next, next part of life, which like you said, everyone who has had the courage and strength to do it. If you ask them.
And we have the people in the MAYA program and other friends that none would say, no, I should have stayed. I should have stayed in that toxic relationship. That would have been better. Zero, zero people say that.
Preeti (12:56)
Well, so you can find out more information at both konvodating.com if you're single and looking to mingle, or you can look us up at MAYA4ife.com, maya4life.com. We're talking to parents as much these days as we're talking to our students. So if you're a parent going through some things in your relationship, in your relationship with your child, in the relationship with your partner, just in life in general, we're here for you also.
Curt Dalton (13:20)
Yep. send us a question on the website, MAYA4life.com, and we may turn it into a video and you'll get your answer and help other people in the world that are probably having similar experiences right now.
Preeti (13:29)
That's right, we're all in this together. Thanks so much for the chat, Curt.
Curt Dalton (13:32)
OK, thank you.
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