Common Dating Complaints Transcript
Preeti (00:00.538)
Hey Curt, I want to shift gears a little bit and talk about something different. New dating apps, they are in the news all the time. People hate them. I know I hated them. What's your take? What's the biggest gripe that people have on dating apps?
Funny you should ask that question because Konvo dating app is an idea that I thought about creating a dating app for people who are doing the work. And if you know what that sentence means, you know what the dating app will all be about. But to get to your question, number one complaint, endless texting. What is endless texting, Preeti? Endless texting. And I think both men and women have the same complaint around endless texting.
For As a woman, endless texting was thinking that a man was interested in getting to know me and then eventually meeting me and spending some time with me and it never ever got to that stage. There's somebody that I talked to for about three months and this was when I learned that you don't talk to somebody for three months and that's probably a pretty good indication that he's not gonna ever want to meet with you.
And I know that a lot of women have anxiety around this because they think that this is because they're up to no good, there's something shady. But I actually don't think that that's always true. What about you, Curt? What's your biggest pet peeve? I have a different take on this because here's from the guy's point of view. What happens between when a female you swipe, was it right or left on, that you like, and then the person matches. So here's a signal that men can't get at bars, can't get anywhere else to know.
If we are good guys and treat you well based on our looks and what we wrote on our profile, you would go out with us and hopefully have sex. So we don't get that signal very often. That's a powerful signal that only those swipes to match up give us. So a gentleman in a heterosexual point of view will swipe. A woman will also swipe. You become a match if you're not familiar with how this works. We just got the go -ahead that yes, if everything as it looks it disappears
Preeti (02:23.094)
You show up looking like your picture. At some point in time in our relationship, I would have sex with you. But to get to your endless texting point, somewhere along the line, the guy who's already gotten the signal, yes, you're a go, and that's a very important signal from a woman to find out, they stop trying to woo you and are okay with just texting and letting it go. So what happens to when a guy gets excited and gets the final answer ahead of time to the test?
but then drifts off. Why would a guy do that? What's going on on the female side where a guy's been told, yes, you're in, but through weeks or days, they just kind of say, I'm good, I'll just text. Well, I think sometimes it's saturation. People are having multiple conversations, not just two or three, but five, 10, 15, 20 at the same time, and it becomes exhausting. And I think also there's sort of an itch that you're scratching.
And you've scratched it. You've met it. It's We're talking about being handsy on dates as well. What are you talking about? That was probably my biggest pet peeve. But anyway, no, but when it comes to endless texting, I do think that people loose interest, that everything sort of fizzles. And sometimes you can have one or two dates and I call it the great third date fizzle.
It ends up being a lot of work and people get disinterested quite easily. I also think that people really like the first couple weeks of a new relationship, which is super exciting. Dopamine. All the dopamine is rushing through. it's a fantasy of the person. It's not the actual person. It's funny you bring up a third date because as a guy you've been already swiped on that, hey, you look good. I think I'm interested.
You go out on the first date, and again, we're talking, let's say, over 30, so, yeah, at an older crowd than 18, 19, 20. And then, just friends or something minor, romantically, you agree to a second date, and it progresses, and I wonder if you get to the third date as a guy and say, look, we're all adults here, we're on our third date, can we go a little further? What do you think of that? Is that why the third date when guys say, if there's nothing there, a little more intense romantically, then I'm out?
Preeti (04:45.786)
possibly, but I would say that I think both men and women have the concept of a third date rule that if you're getting to three dates or four dates or whatever your number that you're comfortable with it and you're, and you're, you're building some sort of a connection with that person
that sex is on the table. Spoiler alert, women want to have sex also. We just don't want to feel duped into having sex. but the dating coaches now say 90 days ladies. No, giving it up for 90 days and make sure he goes through all these hoops and satisfies your checklist, which brings me to my second point. My biggest beef on dating apps is women who say empathy is their number one important thing, which means
She is saying, please understand why I'm on this dating app, say it's 30, 40 years old, 50 years old. Life didn't quite go as the Cinderella, Princess Sophia, all the way. So you're on a dating app at that age. Yet, right after the women list empathy, they will give you a list of transference or laundry list of things you must do or check boxes you must hit in order to get to the promised land. So empathy goes both ways. There's a reason the guy's on there too.
So if you say empathy is important to you, please understand my story, you're gonna find out why I'm here. You have to give the same respect to the guy and not then list nine, It doesn't sound like empathy when there's a list of 25 check boxes you must check in order to either take me out or go romantically with me. What do you think of that? Absolutely, I agree with that. But in my experience, men have that laundry list, that checklist as well, and they very proudly put it on their profiles.
I think what all this actually points to is that we're all mitigating risk. It's a lot of risk to be online. It's a lot of risk to be vulnerable enough to make a connection with somebody. It's a risk to have sex with that person. It's a risk to fall in love. It's a risk to be disappointed. It's a risk to be rejected. And I think we're just trying to mitigate that risk as much as possible while also trying to have fun, enjoy the process.
Preeti (06:58.502)
And it's a really tall order. And I think that what we have lost in the endless number of people that you can actually meet online is that you're not supposed to like 99% of the people. If you're relationship -minded and you're looking for a relationship, and I'll just tell our viewers that Konvo dating is actually a relationship app. And there's a specific reason why we called it that and not dating app.
if you're relationship minded, you're not supposed to like 99% of the people you meet beyond one or two dates. And people get really frustrated, I know women get really frustrated that they've been on 20, 30 first dates. You're actually doing it right. Because you would be probably settling, you would probably be just kind of scooping up the first person that you met and attaching yourself to the first person that you met and not being mindful about who it is that you actually want to spend some time with.
100 % this is one of the biggest mistakes people are making is not only the transference of past relationships into your list of things which is all from the past and putting it on someone brand new who's never met you is the idea you can separate you know with love or How do you want to say it to separate with? Peace Detach with love like just because you know someone says I'm you're not a match whether it's through the app or you've gone on a date or two
You feel like, well, what's wrong with me? And what's it's all that external validation where you really should thank them. They've moved you one person closer to the next date, which will lead you your match that you like the most. And we'll get along with might be number 17. So you have to thank numbers one through 16 for not working out, whether it's like, Hey, we're not a match or you did a date. We're not a match. It's not a slight on you or them. They're looking for the same thing. They're kind of going around. If you can imagine speed dating, right. And just meeting these people.
So don't be angry if it, you know, a date or two in, you know, you're told, hey, I don't think it's a good match or you tell someone else that you're getting closer to the person you want to meet. and there's so much anger and vitriol and of course online writing things about people that, you know, quote, we're dumped or he disappeared or she did, they all like that kind of thing. And What's with ghosting? What do women think about ghosting? Why is it so painful? Oh, ghosting is super painful. but we do it to men as well. and you know, ghosting is when.
Preeti (09:24.998)
You spend time with somebody and it's not a tiny amount of time. If you've had one or two dates with somebody and you don't hear from them again, it's not ghosting. That's just them making a decision, a choice. don't really owe you.
a conversation, but it's after a couple of months and you've spent some time with a person and you feel like it might be going somewhere and all of a sudden they disappear out in the face of earth and they communicate nothing with you and they don't answer your texts. It's really defeating and it feels very personal. But I think the thing to remember with all of this is that none of this is personal. Rejection is shitty. It feels really bad, but that's because we have an intolerance for discomfort. And I'm including myself in this.
I've gone through a couple years of dating that's been really hard and the first time that I was rejected, I took it very personally. I thought, you know, why does this person think that there's something wrong with me? But the fact is, is that I can't actually, I will never know why he didn't want to go on a second date with me and I don't need to. And to your point, he did me a favor. Like he saved me some time and so you can't have it both ways. You can't say I want a relationship with somebody I want and I want to find the right person and then be pissed off when
go on a date with somebody and they say, that's not me. That's actually progress. Yeah. And I think like you mentioned earlier on to the people get in with it for the right intentions, but the bandwidth part, you'll see write -ups that say, you know, I have whatever it's a man. have two daughters and a dog, but I have room for someone else or, know, I have three sons and, this life and I have a real, well, that's a pretty low amount of time. And if you meet someone and get along the desire for more bandwidth and more time only increases for both
So I do think some people get in saying well I'm gonna meet someone and go out you know once a week once every two weeks would be nice but if you really like that person and they like you you want to spend more time together so now you have a bandwidth issue if you are a single parent or if you know you have a couple kids two dogs that's a big one how much time if things go well can you you know give somebody without them being feeling slighted or as you said vulgar you know offended that
Preeti (11:32.518)
They're on the two week plan where they wanna take you out every week. So what do you do there? I mean, I think that that's where you date more than one person. You can enjoy getting to know someone and sometimes it takes longer for some people to make a connection. I think putting an arbitrary timeline on this, the 90 days, the three date rule, all these rules are really about, it's about people and meeting the person where they are and also having them meet you where you are.
Preeti (12:02.112)
Okay What are some of the solutions we talked about developing the Konvodating.com with the K with the K because it was a lot cheaper than with a C But we say it's for people doing the work meaning You know no one's here to complete you Unfortunately is the most famous dating line in history in a wonderful movie and great actors, but you completely ruined a generation
Because the other side of that is I'm not complete You complete me comma because I'm not complete and that's why we're going out there looking for You know looking for my person looking for to complete. No one was born 30 40 years ago where their mother held them and said you're gonna in 40 years have to go complete Sarah Jones Walker, that's what you're here for and vice versa. You're not here to compete complete any man as
So that line, well, wonderful in the movie, absolutely put the wrong mindset in people that someone's gonna make you whole or complete you where that's not my job. I gotta work on myself. You have to work on yourself. And when two people like that come together, that's when it can be really magical. So no one's out there to make you happy and vice versa, by the way. You're not here to make me happy, that type thing. I think there's too many people looking for that person who will not fix them, but make them happy.
Make me happy is what that really means. And there's no one but yourself responsible for that. Well, and I think that the problem is when you're unhappy and you're looking for the person to create happiness for you. So it really is each of us, up to each of us. It's our responsibility as individuals. to find a life. And especially later in life after kids, after a divorce or two or more, you know, you feel disappointed and sometimes you can feel a little beaten up, but that's really when you have to kind
grab on and say, it's up to me. Maybe, you I know that in my past, I have looked for relationships, I have been in relationships where I have felt the need to be in that relationship and that that relationship would make me happy and it never worked out well. What I've learned in the last few years is that I
Preeti (14:21.418)
I'm person who's always willing to do the work. I'm a person who enjoys self -improvement and I have, my closest friends are those people too. And friendship is actually something that I realized kind of two years into dating was actually the most important part of it. And so there came a point where I said, stop trying to date me, stop trying to woo me, stop trying to, I don't just want to put on some heels and some makeup and go out.
I want to be with somebody who wants to be my friend. I want the amount of effort that we put.
into making new friends and to keeping the friends that we have looks very different. And if we did that on dating apps, if we approached each person as not just a potential partner or romantic interest, but a friend, someone that we actually made a real investment in, it'd be harder to ghost people. It would be harder to just disappear and say, you know, this person has no value to me, or I'm in such a bad place, I don't even owe this person a conversation.
I agree. I agree. And it goes back to what are you asking of the other person? If you're friends, then there's more to it than say sex and like you said, putting on heels and there are plenty of people or men and women that I'm sure complain I've gone on 20, like you said, 20 first dates. Well, what happened? What's the problem? Like, I mean, that's a lot of first dates to either not have a man who's interested in having sex with you, call you back or again, vice versa. And what are you putting out there for someone?
Instead of fixing you, what are you doing to help fix your work on yourself? And what do you bring to the table? Don't ask the other person what they bring to the table. You should say what you bring to the table. And that's part of the Konvodating .com. You can sign up early, taking early list. But we have a couple solutions for ghosting, endless texting we've come up with. And if you're someone who's doing the work and would like to meet other people doing the work, just put your email in at Konvodating.com.
Preeti (16:23.666)
and get on our early bird access list. Great. Thanks Curt.
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