Setting Boundaries in Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships Transcript
Preeti (00:01.976)
Hey Curt, let's talk about boundaries.
Curt (00:04.142)
Let's talk about some boundaries, Preeti.
Curt (00:09.316)
Arguably the most misunderstood thing around when raising kids or dealing with adults. So go ahead.
Preeti (00:15.266)
Yeah, I find that a lot of what my adult life looks like is setting boundaries. And one of the things that I learned fairly early on in my boundary journey is that I violate my own boundaries. That I will set a boundary and then I will be the first person to violate that boundary.
So consistency is actually really important in setting boundaries with people. I think the other thing is that we often think that boundaries are some kind of a punishment. But really what it is is I think there's a definition that I heard that boundaries are learning to interact with other people while still loving yourself. Is that right?
Curt (00:59.59)
That could be a good one and certainly misunderstood when raising kids because parents have a hard time setting boundaries because they want their kids to like them and or love them and they think if they set a boundary like you said it's misconstrued as being bad or saying no then my son or daughter won't like me won't love me so I'm gonna do especially with kids you know what they want they will whine till they get it because I want them to like me even though you set the boundary
They don't respect it. They whine and they keep asking, you'll break down and do it because I want them to like me. But the best thing you can do is set that boundary, explain the boundary to them and why you're doing it and teach them how to live in a world of respected boundaries as opposed to, well, I'll just keep going or complaining or whining until I can break. They know they can break their mom or dad down at a certain point and get that piece of candy or get that favor or get the thing they're asking for.
So yeah, it's tough because there's a little bit of a seesaw for parents wanting to be liked and loved, but also teaching them healthy boundaries.
Preeti (02:05.092)
And kids are really good at wearing us down, aren't they? But to my earlier point, this is when it's important to be consistent, that we are often the ones who are setting the boundaries, but often the ones who are also violating the boundary. So here's a for instance. I told somebody that they couldn't call me before 10am And come 8, 9 am I really wanted to talk to this person and decided to give them a call.
It's just confusing. If there was a really good reason, and there was for me to say, let's talk after 10 am me consistently violating that boundary means that that boundary isn't important and maybe also indicates that maybe some of my other boundaries are flexible. And it's not really about being inflexible because boundaries can change. The target moves, right? But boundaries are actually acts of love.
It's a loving thing to set a boundary with someone because it's also making sure that you're including them. You're including them in your thoughts. You're including them in your process. You're often including them in your day, but you're making sure that it's an appropriate interaction for you in some way.
Curt (03:23.224)
What's the best way do you think to set a boundary with a family member or a loved one that you again you don't want to offend you don't want to come off as seeing like a a bee or a jerk so how do you set a boundary with someone in your family or someone you love.
Preeti (03:38.156)
I often start by saying, I've been thinking about this, or I've talked to this over with my therapist, or this is something that I've wanted to approach you about, and I don't want to hurt your feelings. So just sort of off the bat, just making sure that they know that you've put thought and time into this, and it's something that's important to you, and that you are taking their feelings into consideration is, I think, a good way to start.
you know, another thing to do is to actually understand why it is that you're setting that boundary. There are many examples, however, of boundaries that need to be set and explanations that don't necessarily need to be given. And that's when it comes down to unhealthy relationships. So boundaries in healthy relationships and people that you want to include in your life and people who might be able to receive a message such as,
I've been thinking about this issue and here's how I would like to approach it in the future. It's for a healthy relationship. Now, when it's an unhealthy relationship and it's somebody who you need to create some distance with, it's a little bit different. Generally, you set the boundary without an explanation and you just reinforce it time and time again in any way that you can. An example of this
friends of mine who have dated online and something goes sour, something goes south, and the person that they're dating sends them kind of mean, abusive texts. Well, that's the point where you lock, where you block. And it's not necessary to have a conversation because that person's already gone to a place where they have engaged in unhealthy, abusive behavior, and that's when you can just detach. And it's not exactly detaching with love, it's just detaching and it's self -preservation.
But "Detach with love" is another important tool to use in this, is, know, sometimes I've had, my father and I have a close relationship, but he often likes to send me political memes and videos. And I've made a conscious choice in my life to set a lot of boundaries around how much I engage with controversial topics and politics is one of them.
Preeti (05:51.716)
And he has violated my boundary of please don't send me political memes and videos over and over again And I have not got angry about it. I have vented to friends I vented in therapy about it But what I've actually done is sort of gently just keep reinforcing the boundary and I don't open the videos. I don't open the means And I'll say from time to time. Hey, you know, I really it's better for my mental
if don't engage in politics, so I hope you can support me in that. And it took probably a couple years, but recently he wrote me back after I reinforced the boundary. said, okay, I understand. I won't do it. And then he started sending me really positive and happy and loving memes and other videos. And it really kind of finally being heard by my parent, who I know never ever had a malicious intent in in any of this. None of it was maliciously intended. He just wanted to connect with me with something, and he thought I'd find something snarky and funny and sarcastic, and by the way, I used to, you know? And so it took him a little while to understand that I was doing things a little bit differently, and patience was really important. But also, I did not violate my boundary here by engaging with him further and by opening the meme, by getting angry, by responding angrily. I just let it go.
And I did not respond. I did not open. I did not engage.
Curt (07:23.46)
What's the best way to boundaries gone wild? Someone just keeps you put you set a boundary up and they just keep trampling it. What is your, Is it just detach or are there anything else you could do with a family member or someone that maybe you don't want to detach, but they're not respecting your boundary.
Preeti (07:40.74)
So think it depends on whether this is innocuous and annoying or if it becomes abusive and hurtful, right? And you can only know which one it is. So if it is innocuous and annoying, then I'd say just keep reinforcing it. Maybe take the person aside, have a conversation. And sometimes it takes a while for people to hear you, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they don't want to.
And then If it is in the abusive and hurtful category, then I think it is well within your rights to protect yourself and you are your own safe place. No one else is responsible for your safety. And if somebody is violating it, then perhaps it is time to cut them out of your life. Not easy to do. I would recommend getting a lot of support from that, from your close trusted few, from the people whom you respect and talk the big things out with.
and if you are in therapy to talk to your therapist about it.
Curt (08:41.776)
Yeah, and I found with kids and raising kids, two things you can do is acknowledge you hear them, you understand what their request is and why they're saying it. And then two is like you hit on, you tell the truth and you say, for my mental health and your mental health, I'm setting up this boundary because I don't want to feel bad about this or around you. And I don't want you to feel bad or have negative feelings around this. So whatever the boundary is, I'm going to stick to it so that we can get along and have a better
And you explain it, it's not done out of ego. It's not done out of spite or to cut someone back, to give them a zinger. It's done to protect one yourself first and foremost, but the other person's mental health as well, whether it's your dad, like you just said, or whether it's your child, that I'm protecting your mental health and I want you to be able to move forward with healthy boundaries. And here's how it's going to go. And it's kind of tough to argue after that. So you, they don't really have much to say. So that's a winner
Preeti (09:38.51)
You know, I've actually noticed in your parenting, you are always somebody who wants to meet your children's needs. And so if you're, and you've got three of them, there's a lot of them, so there's a lot of needs to be met. But what I've noticed is that you rarely say no, but that when you do say no, that boundary is very much respected by your kids. Can you tell us a little bit about how you have managed to develop that relationship with your three teenage boys?
Curt (10:07.27)
I think talking to them about why these decisions are made at the time, because everybody puts a request out there, whether we're adult to adult and want something or kid to adult that you want to get done or you want to have happen. And sometimes it does and the other adult or kid agrees. And sometimes it doesn't. Explaining why at this particular moment, if it's kid to adult, why I can't drive you, why I can't do this favor or this responsibility that you want to do, I can't do
Again, explaining it to why this isn't going to be able to happen. And if it's adult to adult, like you mentioned online dating or going out, explaining to that person why this request can't be met. Because a lot of times we catastrophize it in our head. We feel insecure. If someone responds in a negative to us, what's wrong with me? Why doesn't he like me? Are my kids going to like me? All the same stuff. But explaining it out
Let them understand why you're making this best decision in their self interest. If it's like someone like my own kids, helps them understand why, whatever it is, right? They can't go to the mall today or sky zone, or I can't drive them or make this or do that. they get it. They get like, and you have to put up, like we've talked about on other videos, you're, being selfish as a parent. It's not to be selfless. You'll be very resentful in the end. you say you're a selfless parent and do everything for your kids, you have to take time and be intelligently selfish.
to show your kids what happiness looks like and to show this is how you become happy is to work on things you like and do things you like and work on yourself. certainly saying, need time to be intelligently selfish for whatever that activity is and I can't do X, Y, or Z for you. And here's why. It helps me feel better. It helps my mental health. And they'll respect that. And again, it's a lot of truth. You gotta come clean with your kids and they learn their role modeling from you. So they're gonna know A, mental health is important. B, mental health is something that you should
cognizant of and aware of as you kind of pass through life. And it's okay to choose yourself once in a while for something that makes you feel better and lifts you
Preeti (12:10.66)
That's right. So for parents who are frustrated that when they set a boundary, their son or daughter constantly is trying to renegotiate that boundary. doesn't take no for an answer and feels the need to kind of beat the dead horse, if you will. What are your suggestions on how to deal with that.
Curt (12:31.526)
Well, that's a learned behavior and you hate to say it, but they learned it from you like the old seventies drug commercial. I learned it from you. Like they learned that if they whine 14 times, 11 times, throw themselves on the floor, do whatever you're going to change your mind and do what they want. So you have no one to blame but yourself to get to this point of that's happening, but to correct it is going to explain why and explain why it's going to be different this time because I feel really bad when you cry and whine and throw yourself on the floor.
And I know you feel really bad too, right? So let's not do that. And here's the new way we can do it. So we both feel better and you kind of have to shift them to that point of you don't like complaining and whining and stomping your feet. And I don't like it. So let's do something different and, you know, try to set that new habit or that new understanding of a boundary.
Preeti (13:20.59)
That's right. And I think it goes back to consistency. If we as the adults are consistent in our messaging and are consistent in our boundary setting and don't violate our own boundaries, don't get worn down by our children, then they will learn to respect them more. Any last word on boundaries and kids?
Curt (13:41.126)
You know, they're like they're they're flexible sometimes But you don't want to give in to the point where they know they can just beat you down or Complain so many times and you'll buy that ice cream or candy or do what they want depending on the age of your kids and again explaining it to them and Explaining that we both want to be happy and I don't like it when you're crying and whining or whatever your version of your child's age is at and I feel bad too. So let's do it this way and there will be
Preeti (14:06.052)
And it's not, sorry.
Curt (14:07.184)
Some kick back, you know, they're not gonna get that ice cream or be able to do what they want right at that moment. But they'll understand they'll be happier and I'll be happier. And as soon as you tell your kid, I will be happier, they're gonna see their mom or dad happier, that's really gonna get them excited. That's what they want too, believe it or not. They want their parent to be happy. That's how they're learning. say it's gonna make me happier too. And then they're gonna be like, wow, I wanna see you happy. I want you to be happy.
Preeti (14:32.388)
That's such a great point. Our kids do want us to be happy and they're happier when we're happy.
Preeti (15:11.98)
All right, right, Curt, thanks so much for talking about boundaries with us today. I look forward to our next conversation. How can we find more information on boundaries?
Curt (15:19.642)
Sounds good, Preeti.
Curt (15:23.556)
We should go to Maya4Life.com and check out not only the blog area, but contact us for setting up a program to not only work with parents, but we work with your teens to help you set up these boundaries if they are maybe a little too far gone at this point.
Preeti (15:39.044)
That's right, we can help at Maya4Life.com. Thanks.
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