But, I'm a Good Person and Other Ways we Gaslight in Relationships Transcript
Curt Dalton (00:00)
Hello everybody, it's Curt from Maya4Life.com here doing a little follow -up video based on some comments and reactions to a video we made earlier that's called, But, I Love You, is not an excuse to treat someone poorly. And what happens in a relationship, you'll get to a point when there's a back and forth, back and forth, and the answer or the line comes out, But I Love You, which usually means I can treat you a certain way, because I love you.
Interestingly, another line that's common in red flag in relationships that you should listen for is, but I'm a good person, but I have a good heart. What that is, is a fallback to here's why I can treat you poorly and you should accept me. It is, but I'm a good person and I have a good heart. Now that may not match up to your data as you on the other side of a relationship may be looking at the actual data of that person's actions and responses. And you're saying,
That's not what a good person or a good hearted person does. But in their world, their mirror reflection of themselves is, I'm a good person. I have a good heart. So Preeti when someone says, but I love you or, but I'm a good person, I have a good heart. Are those red flags or is there something else going on?
Preeti (01:07)
I mean, I think they can be, right? the red flag there is if somebody is not treating you well and you are calling them to task on it and their response is not, my gosh, I'm so sorry, let me understand what it is that I'm doing wrong so I can fix it and not do it again. If that's not the response and it's, wait, but I'm a good person, wait, but I love you, that's just an excuse, it's deflection.
It's minimizing the person who's coming to you. It's hard to come to somebody with a gripe, especially a spouse. You don't want to get into a fight. You don't want it to blow up. And oftentimes that does happen. the person who has the complaint has done some soul searching, let's assume. Let's assume the goodwill of that. And it's coming to you and asking for something. They're in pain, they're hurt. And if your response is, but I'm a good person, it's so incredibly dismissive.
of that person's pain. It's also really presumptuous as if, you know, I'm a good person and now I am done with the work of becoming a better person. I don't know about you, but I become better at everything every day. And I will say though that there was probably a time where I might have fallen back on a phrase like that myself.
So, know, confession time, but I don't think it necessarily makes you a bad person. I think what it does is that it makes you short -sighted and it makes you not necessarily somebody who is looking to grow and become better as time goes on.
Curt Dalton (02:33)
And as you talk about, and we talk about with teens at MAYA it's owning it, right? It's owning where you're at and having grace and forgiveness, whether it's right or wrong or how you've been. And for someone to get to a point where you let's say you're matching up facts of a story or what happened in your version, and then to just kind of go like, but I'm a good person or I have a good heart. And of course we cover it, but I love you as the kind of the get out of jail free card, but I have a good heart. So I guess I can do this or I did that. So what are you going to do?
but I'm a good person, so I mean, what are you gonna do? And that is just, they're just phrases you should listen to in your relationships that it means the other person isn't really taking accountability like you said, or listening to your gripe or your cause of pain. They're just saying, well, it is what it is, right? But I'm a good person, so let's move on. And that's where you gotta kinda pay attention to that.
Preeti (03:19)
Yeah, tough. Right, suck it up. Tough. Look at all these things that I do for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Curt Dalton (03:23)
Yeah, right. Tough, right. Tough. I'm a good person. I have a good heart. So definitely be aware of that. And if you like that discussion, there is a video up called, but I love you is no excuse to treat a poor person poorly up on the MAYA4life.com blog. And, curious of comments. If you've heard other sayings like, but I love you, but I'm a good person, but I have a good heart. And what you think of these are they get out of jail free cards? Are they not taking responsibility? Let us know on the blog.
Preeti (03:48)
the opportunity to say, I'm sorry, and to understand is actually where a relationship advances and you have the opportunity to become closer to the person that you're with, to really hear and listen to your partner or your friend or your family member. That's an opportunity for real growth, not just of you as an individual, of the person who is asking,
to be acknowledged, to having their feelings acknowledged, and an opportunity for the relationship to grow.
It's one of the most empowering things to be able to take a step back, not take that as a criticism or to take it personally and just say, my gosh, I am so sorry. I didn't realize that I was doing that. Mea culpa. Mea culpa is one of the most empowering things you can do in a relationship. First of all, it dis - Yeah, my bad. Yeah. It disarms everything because, you know,
Curt Dalton (04:36)
My bad.
Preeti (04:41)
It doesn't have to turn into a fight. It can just be a loving conversation where you realize that you've made a misstep that you didn't intend to make and that you can correct it. And correcting it slowly along the way, these small corrections mean that we don't have to make the really big ones because the small things add up to the big things. And if on a daily basis we're able to sort of say, that didn't feel okay. That was a little spicy.
Curt Dalton (05:08)
Yeah, taking ownership of it, like you said, you have I am the two most powerful words in English language. I am sorry. Very powerful statement. And on nine standard deviations over here, you have, but comma, I love you, but I'm a good person, but I have a good heart. One takes responsibility and wants change, corrective change, positive change. The other is deflection. No ownership kind of throws it back on you with, well, what are going to do about it? Tough.
Get out of jail free card. I love you. well. yeah, notice those sentences and how that person's mindset is towards you. We'll tell you a little bit of where this is gonna go.
Preeti (05:36)
So toxic.
It's toxic and it's gaslighting. Let's be honest. If somebody is saying you hurt me and they're saying, but I couldn't have hurt you. I'm a good person. That's a hundred percent gaslighting. We have to remember that women get gaslighted, but men get gaslighted by women as well. It's not fair to make that something that only men do against women. It is something that we both do to one another.
but it's also something that we can stop doing.
Curt Dalton (06:09)
Absolutely, and taking ownership and certainly teaching teens at MAYA like we do to kind of take responsibility for their life, take responsibility for their happiness. Some of the programs that I wish I learned when I was a lot younger, not in my 50s. How can people find us if they want to have their kids go through our program and learn this stuff early on and have a great life?
Preeti (06:28)
Yeah, well, we are definitely here to help your kids take accountability. Maybe do some of that heavy lifting for you. And we could be found at Maya4life.com, Maya4life.com.
Curt Dalton (06:33)
Yep.
Thank you, Preeti.
Preeti (06:39)
Thank you, Curt.
"BUT, I LOVE YOU" AS AN EXCUSE TO TREAT YOU POORLY, WATCH BELOW!
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