How to Choose Healthy People for Your Inner Circle, Your Trusted Few Transcript
Preeti (00:00)
Hey, it's Curt and Preeti from Maya4Life.com. We're here to talk about some challenges and relationships as related to families and parents and teens and other kinds of relationships. Hey, Curt, so I have a very small circle of people who I call my trusted few. And these are my ride or die, the people that I trust more than anyone in the world.
And as I get older, I find that this group of people gets smaller and smaller and smaller. And I'm completely okay with it So do you have a version of this and who are your trusted few?
Curt Dalton (00:36)
Yeah, certainly as parents, takes a village. who you associate with, I know the saying, you you surround yourself with the five people that you pick, you may end up a lot like them. But in parenthood, everyone loves to give parents advice, how to parent, what you should do with your kid. And as a toddler, as a teen, and here's what I did. I always check the resume, call it, check the resume. Because if they're, let's say an older person, do their kids still talk to them?
Are their kids successful? Are they healthy? Is there a good relationship? Is that something you would want to have with your kids? Because a lot of times someone giving you advice, if you check the resume on the parenting side, one of their kids won't talk to them. One of their kids did this. They're kind of a jerk sometimes. They yell a lot in public or something like that. So I say just check the data, right? Check the resume on who you want to role model your relationship with your kids. Who's your trusted circle of advice?
Because if there's a parent that has a history of problems with their children and you see them at the grocery store or the soccer field and they're going to give you advice on what to do, well, wait a minute. I don't know if the source is what I want my relationship to look like. So you giving me that advice, if I'm looking at your resume behind you of how you raise your kids or what it's like, I'm good. I'm going to try something different because I know I don't want that. So for parents, it's more about have that small circle of parents that think like you and act like you and you admire how they raise their kids or they're doing it in a good way and that's a good place to say, wait a minute, who's giving me the advice on my kid right now and what's their history of raising kids?
Preeti (02:03)
Right, there's a saying in the recovery community that goes, stick with the winners. And what that really means is, when you're looking for a tennis partner, you don't play with somebody who's not very good. You look to play with somebody who is as good as you, if not better, because that's how your tennis game gets better. And it's the same when it comes to friendships with fellow parents who you can trust to give you advice and you can go to, who can be an ear for you. In my life, I found that in my circle of sober friends, I have a pretty wide circle of sober friends. And it's one of the beautiful things about being part of a recovery community is that you get to have a sense of belonging, a sense of community, and there's a lot of people in it and as it should be. So these are people that I see at events, I see at meetings, I see sometimes at social gatherings, we go to coffee from time to time. These are not all people who I would include in my trusted few. And my measure is who is healthy in this room that can help me in my recovery and sort of model for me who I want to become in my recovery. And so that's one way that I look at it trust if you.
The other way I look at it is who gets to be in my head? There's already a committee of crazy in my head telling me that I'm not doing things very well. And I got to combat that every day. I've named her Susan. She's my disease. And she tells me often that I'm not doing a good job. Now, there's another voice in my head that is a wise, gentle, loving voice that gently
pushes me towards doing the next right thing whose advice never is to hit me over the head and berate me and tell me you're doing it so badly. This is how you should do it. It's often such a gentle nudge in the right direction. And the more I listen to that voice, the easier and more harmonious my life is. But I get to choose who the people I hear in my head are. And often
The choice is, is that person someone who says healthy things, who behaves in healthy ways in their own life? Or is it someone who is in active addiction and lying about it? Is it somebody who is currently not doing the next right thing? Is it somebody who is lying? I mean, in recovery, we say you are as sick as your secrets. And so it's really, really important to me that I don't engage in behaviors that... are akin to lying, that I don't keep information from people, that I'm super honest. it's very much tied to my ability to stay sober. So I also have an extra measure that if you're in recovery and you're struggling and you need help, I'm there for you. I am your recovery buddy. And there are avenues and venues and means for us to be able to interact.
and help one another. That's not what I'm talking about. But if you're going to be a part of my trusted few my inner circle, and you're an active addiction, you're lying, you're asking me to keep secrets, it's not going to be long before I decide to set some healthy boundaries. And it's not about judging you. It's not about feeling superior to you or being self-righteous in any way. It's knowing that if you put me in a position where I have to lie, I can no longer engage.
In a healthy relationship with you, this relationship is no longer healthy. And it is up to me, my responsibility to protect my sobriety, my emotional sobriety, and it is 100 % my responsibility. And that might mean that our relationship has to change, that I won't dump you as a friend necessarily, but we're not gonna go deep until you get help. We're not gonna go deep until we have some of these tough conversations and...and that we get back on a path to being healthy together.
Curt Dalton (05:51)
Yeah, I think you're right on, know, who you surround yourself with. So we know on the parenting side, check the resume, check how that relationship is. It's something you want to role model. And like, as you discussed, you know, check the, you want to role model their sobriety and their recovery. And if they're not doing that, that's not going to be a good influence. So the five people that you surround yourself, whether it's on the parent side and other parents or in your recovery journey, you're going to be influenced. You're going to see, are they role modeling recovery? Right. And on this side, are parents.
doing a good job role modeling and who you surround yourself with is important. tell my kids that a lot.
Preeti (06:23)
Yeah. And earlier today in a conversation with my therapist I said, I think this circle is getting smaller and smaller. And she applauded me. she said, well, what worries you about that? And I said that I don't have a lot of people that I'm going to see very often because some of these people are scattered across the country. And some of them are not necessarily my neighbors who I would see every day And she reminded me that
Healthy relationships also mean intentionality and putting the effort and prioritizing them. And so that is my responsibility. So if you get a call from me in the next few weeks, setting up a coffee date or a lunch date and you're sort of surprised that I'm gonna be persistent about that, it's because I have made a vow to prioritize my certain few and to spend time with people who are respectful and healthy.
Curt Dalton (06:57)
Look out.
Preeti (07:13)
and whose lives I can bring something to and who bring a lot to my life as well.
Curt Dalton (07:17)
Well, I applaud that and you're doing the right thing and I think you're on the right path and if you call, I'm gonna pick up.
Preeti (07:22)
I'll definitely call All right, Curt, How do people get to talk to us in private about all these matters?
Curt Dalton (07:24)
Ha
I was going to say, people are just dying to talk to us, I'm sure, after their circle of trust is getting smaller and smaller. But you can go to Maya4Life.com, that's Maya4life.com. And we talk to parents, teens and families about the challenges that we live in today and building better relationships among each other.
Preeti (07:46)
right. Thanks so much, Curt. Have a great day. All right, that was actually kind of uplifting.
Curt Dalton (07:47)
Thank you.
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